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| Just wanted to say one thing......
......I hate the bastard!!! I can't stop thinking of him. Anything I do or say reminds me of him. Everyday I think the same crap......WHY??? but whatever.......... | | |
| I'm sitting here in the sinc site (stony's wack computer lab) doing absolutely nothing. My computer in my room has a virus and it ain't working so I have to use one in the lab. It sucks cuz its been about a week that it's not working and I called the damn techicians here in stony but they are wack. Apparently the dude that was assigned to fix my crap was some idiot that only works mondays and wednesdays. So I'm looking at another week of not having a computer. That sucks in soooooooo many ways.
Anyways......
This week was Rosh Hashanah so there were no classes Monday-Wednesday. Soooooo, what did I do on my time off??? I babysat......yup thats the story of my life now. All I do is babysit. Mami is always working, whats his face is always going out and my sister is on this road trip craze now so I'm stuck with the lil ones. It sucks......my five day weekend was hell. These lil kids don't respect me at all. They don't listen to me. All they do is run around the house making messes expecting me to clean up after them. On Sunday I about had it with them tho. My lil sister (who I love to death) is the only spoiled brat. She thinks that things should be done according to her needs and that don't fly with me. My lil brother is another one....ever since he got back from DR he's on this I'm a "big kid" thing so he be catching an attitude with everyone. He thinks he's some big s--t just because he's in jr. hs now. Ok so besides them ruining my weekend....guess who else ruined it??? Yup, whats his face (my father)......he spent the whole weekend arguing about something. He was bitter that my sister didn't go home. She's on that whole road tripping thing so she hasn't been home every weekend. He wants us to live like prisoners so if we are not in school he expects us to be home. Soooooooo anyways he was picking fights with my mom all weekend as a result of that bitterness. He's a loser.....but whatever.
My whole bitterness about this weekend and about how my life has been lately is this.......ok so mommy works some weekends now so someone has to stay with the kids, right? Ok....but who??? Well whats his face can't live if he don't go to his precious Belmont Park/ Aquaduct (whichever one is opened) every weekend so that counts him out.....my sister is on that whole road tripping craze so that counts her out....sooooooooo who's left ahhhhhhhhh yes ME! Why is it that everyone but me gets to do things they want??? I'm not saying that I want to go out or anything cuz I really don't have anywhere to go BUT why is it that everyone can make plans to do whatever they want to do but me. I have no children so why am I tied down to these lil kids. Why can't I have a nice peaceful weekend without going home, without babysitting, and without having to listen to whats his face??? Why am I always the one stuck at home taking care of my lil bro and sis??? People don't get me wrong, I love my lil bro and sis to death and I love spending time with them.....but I hate knowing that I can be doing something somewhere else and not be able to because I have to babysit. All I ask is for a break. Every weekend something comes up so I'm stuck at home. My mother always finds a way to get me to go home. Like this weekend I was planning on just staying in my room and studying for a midterm and a quiz I have next week......children free. BUT now she calls me and says that I have to go home because I have to go help her with something. And next week I have to go home cuz she's working so thats two more weekends of babysitting that I'm looking forward to :(....When am I ever going to catch a break??
yea yea yea......I'm gonna be a lonely old lady living with 10 cats if my life continues to go this way :(.....I'll probably be babysitting my nieces and nephews in the future.......yup yup.....I live a sad life people. This needs to end one day................someday. | | |
| I took this quiz online (
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp ) and I found it
quiet interesting....read the results if you like cuz the damn thing
perfectly describes me......
THE PEACEMAKER
Enneagram Type Nine
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The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:
Receptive, Reassuring Agreeable, and Complacent |
Basic Fear: Of loss and separation
Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"
Enneagram Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"
Enneagram Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"
Profile Summary for Enneagram Type Nine
Healthy: Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally
stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self
and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured,
genuinely nice people. / Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have
a healing and calming influence — harmonizing groups, bringing
people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator.
At Their Best: Become self-possessed, feeling autonomous
and fulfilled: have great equanimity and contentment because they
are present to themselves. Paradoxically, at one with self, and
thus able to form more profound relationships. Intensely alive,
fully connected to self and others.
Average: Fear conflicts, so become self-effacing and accommodating,
idealizing others and "going along" with their wishes, saying "yes"
to things they do not really want to do. Fall into conventional
roles and expectations. Use philosophies and stock sayings to deflect
others./ Active, but disengaged, unreflective, and inattentive.
Do not want to be affected, so become unresponsive and complacent,
walking away from problems, and "sweeping them under the rug." Thinking
becomes hazy and ruminative, mostly comforting fantasies, as they
begin to "tune out" reality, becoming oblivious. Emotionally indolent,
unwillingness to exert self or to focus on problems: indifference.
/ Begin to minimize problems, to appease others and to have "peace
at any price." Stubborn, fatalistic, and resigned, as if nothing
could be done to change anything. Into wishful thinking, and magical
solutions. Others frustrated and angry by their procrastination
and unresponsiveness.
Unhealthy: Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual.
Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating
self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others. / Wanting
to block out of awareness anything that could affect, them, they
dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized.
/ They finally become severely disoriented and catatonic, abandoning
themselves, turning into shattered shells. Multiple personalities
possible. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid and Dependent personality
disorders.
Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment,
to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are,
to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.
......I'm not a schizoid tho....don't have multiple
personalities....hahahahaha that part was funny....but 85% of the
things said there do apply to me ......
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| There's so much going on in my mind. I hate everything that I'm
thinking.....everything that's going on right now. I have to stop
thinking cuz if I don't then I don't know what the hell is going to
happen. I hate it when I feel this way. I once heard that "a smile can
hid so much pain".....ain't that true? I go around seeming all happy
and stuff...you know, like I don't give a crap about anything but deep
down inside I know that I'm dying. I can fool the world but I can't
fool myslef. the feeling that I feel inside is just horrible. I feel so
lonely in this
world.............................................................."A
SMILE CAN HID SO MUCH PAIN!"
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| So I started doing the thinking thing right now and I had to say a few things......
....it sickens me how stupid people can be. Why is it that everytime I
get close to a person (which I hardly do) something happens and either
that person disappears or just stops talking to me. What the hell is
wrong with me. I'm starting to think that the one with the problem is
ME! What is it that I do that makes people act that way towards me??
Did I do something to even deserve all this??? I don't like saying
names on here cuz I just don't want to so lets refer to this person
that I will be taking about as Bob......
.....what the hell did I do to Bob?? Am I such a horrible person that
he don't want to talk to me??? Why doesn't he want to talk to me?? I
thought me and Bob were somewhat close....but you know what....I
thought wrong. I still can't find a logical reason as to why he's
acting all dumb and stuff. I mean I have a few ideas but I still think
they don't make sense. Last time me and Bob talked everything was
cool....or so I thought it was. It bothers me to think that I may have
done something that I don't know exactly what the bleep is. I thought
that no matter what we'd always be cool but you know what....again I
was wrong. What the hell is wrong with me?? Should I be mad at Bob or
should I be mad at myself??? Is he wrong or am I wrong?? I've been
thinking so much lately and the more I think about it the more and more
fustrated I get at the whole situation. Everything is all f'ed up right
now. Honestly after like 4 months of not knowing anything about Bob I'm
up to the point where I don't think I want to know anything at all
about him. I get heated when I think that the last time we spoke was in
May.....I mean hello we used to talk everyday or every other day. Nah
wait...thats the angry side of me talking......cuz lord knows that deep
down all I want to do is talk to Bob...I wanna hear from him that
everything is good....that he's not mad at me....that I did nothing
wrong....but you know what I don't see that happening. If he hasn't
tried in 4 months what makes me think that he will now????
....no se....whatever I'm done.....
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